My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
