yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
