i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
