Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
The feeling are messing with the penis
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
