You're my little dorito
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
