I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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