He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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