I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
