Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
