I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
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