I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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