im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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