It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize