I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
