Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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