hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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