I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
