This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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