I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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