Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
