it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
