It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
