How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
