Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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