I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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