talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
