Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Randomize
