I checked into jail on foursquare
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
