I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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