If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
