Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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