I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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