CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
