Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
