I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
