I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize