69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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