My Higher Power is John Stamos
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Two words: blizzard sex
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
