We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
