Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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