So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
