Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Screwed.edu
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
