Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
