Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
