look no pants
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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