I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Someone shattered a urinal.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
