white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize