i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Actions speak louder than pants.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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