Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
