you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
