i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
