Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
