I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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