Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
