im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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