I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
