I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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