my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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