at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
