READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
are you so shy because you have an std?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
